Dhania’s Sanctuary

Beberapa hari yang lalu, pas kita lagi aktivitas ga jelas di bagian, datanglah 4 temen2 angkatan 2006 kalau ga salah.. Nawarin kita, ini Mas, Mbak, ada lomba dekan cup, lombanya macam2, seru2, ikut aja..!
Dasar kita.. after all we’re only humans kan.. segala macam aktivitas dan belajar di bagian anestesi, bikin kita haus hiburan juga hehe.. maksudnya bukan hiburan gimana.. I myself miss the time when we can just laugh out loud of our stupidity and foolishness, not only in the studying circumstances but in everyday’s life. Jadi pas itu kita ikut aja lomba bakiak sama lomba tarik tambang buat yang cowo. Pas itu ga kepikiran untuk ikut lomba tarik tambang cewe hehe.. kita ngikut ngikut aja.. asal bisa ketawa n bisa bikin rame aja tujuannya.
Nah! lombanya diadain kemaren, hari Jumat, 9 Mei 2008. Hari bersejarah lagi nih ceritanya. Malemnya, Kamis, 8 Mei 2008, zen jaga.. Dan bodohnya, pas Kamis pagi berangkat ke RS, uda ada setengah jalan, zen baru inget kalau zen ga ada bawa celana.. yang ada zen berangkat pakai rok, dan sangu yang ada dalem ransel, rok juga, malah pendek di atas lutut gitu. waduh celaka. mau balik lagi uda ga sempet, pasti telat. Ya uda d.
Pas Jumat uda mau berangkat ke area pertandingan, cieeeh! zen bongkar2 loker. Dan uda dipinjemin celana jaga anestesi warna ijo sama Mb Eva. Sekalian, di loker zen ada baju jaga zen pasangannya celana ijo pinjeman itu. Jadilah zen pakai baju jaga itu ijo ijo ke kampus. Sekalian aja pikir zen, pakai sendal jepit, soalnya kalau pakai sepati ga pas. hehehe..
Uda gitu, lucunya, setelah dicoba Mb Desti yang paling depan, yang ada kita malah kesendat2 karena ketawa ketiwi ga jelas gitu. Nyobain ah di depan, ternyata lumayan.. dengan gugup, main pertama, eh sukses menang.. main kedua, eh sukses lagi.. akhirnya pas main yang ke-3 dah semifinal, musuhnya berat, temen2 PPDS Interna, badannya kecil2 cepet gitu. heheh.. tapi, SEMANGAT! eh pas muter mereka jatoh.. jadilah kita masuk final..
Dan.. lawannya.. ternyata PPDS Anestesi yang cowo, heheh, temen2 sendiri.. jadilah kita pakai bergaya pas main pakai foto segala. Abis itu susah banget lah buat mulai lagi hehe.. tapi akhirnya selesai juga..
Jelek2, dan tua2 begini.. hehehe.. masi bisa juga.. yang penting sebenernya bukan menang nya.. tapi being crazy and let out all those childish feeling inside tuw rasanya bener2 melegakan.. AFTER ALL, FOLKS, WE’RE ONLY HUMANS..

We sang this song during Prof. Sri’s inauguration last week. Not that I was so into the inauguration itself, but after several times I read this lyrics, I just feel that this is Anesthesiology.

I Believe I Can Fly

I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I’m leaning on the everlasting arms

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

[1]
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

[Repeat 1]

Hey, cuz I believe in me, oh

If I can see it, then I can be it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it

[Repeat 1]

Hey, if I just spread my wings
I can fly
I can fly
I can fly, hey
If I just spread my wings
I can fly
Fly-eye-eye

As an anaesthesiology resident, even still in my very first semester and havent got the chance to really in touch with the patient from the very beginning until the very end of all the process, these 4 months (especially the last 4 weeks actually) is a very hardwork for me. I nearly don’t sleep enough the whole week (that includes weekends) and don’t rest well. Not that I want to complain. No, this is just the way I want my life to be. So be it.
The thing is that, because I’m not aware that I can get ill due to my lack of rest, I finally get sick. And for the very first time in the last 8 years, I am absent from school because I am ill.
Having 2 full days of fever, I had these medications with me, antipyretics, antibiotics, vitamins, antihistamines and expectorants. I was desperately desperate when nearly at the end of the second day, I was showing no improvement at all. I have eaten as much as I could, I have drunk mineral water, orange juice, lo han kuo, isotonic solution more than I could imagine before. And when at the end of my second day I still have this 39 celcius degree fever, I started to think.. oh no.. either the bacteria is now resistant to the antibiotics I’m taking or, to a worse extent, I might catch something more serious than upper respiratory tract infection.
And again I was so wrong..
That night, I sweat a lot that I woke up from my sleep. I changed my t shirt and short take a look at the watch and it was only 2 hours after my last antipyretics. And WHOOP-A! I woke up in the next morning, having my head as light as ever, and when it was time for me to check my temperature, I can’t believe that I don’t have that fever with me anymore!
I just want to say.. It’s not the drugs that heals me.. It’s not my knowledge as a physician that heals me.. But it’s how I trust Him that either He will catch me when I fall or He will teach me how to fly. Secondly, it’s the patience. When I talked to several friends about me having this illness, most of them told me to convert either the antibiotics or the antipyretics. Not that I am proud to be a stubborn-er, but I just feel that if by the end of the third day (that means today), no improvement can be seen, I shall find a strong reason to convert the medications. Thirdly, it’s the patience and love of my parents.. Mum did everything she could for me these last 3 days. When I was a little girl, I trusted her fully for medications when I was ill. And now, when I medicate myself, she still found things can be done to make me feel much better. She bought me this big box of cakes (she knows that I love sweet cakes), chocolate muffins and cooked me chicken terriyaki. She woke me up in the morning asking how I am this morning, then brought me a cup of warm Milo and 2 coffee biscuits.. It’s all her love.. Daddy is one of a kind. Although in my first 2 days he acted as if it was my fault that I got sick (perhaps he’s right) and that he didn’t care, at the end of the 2nd day he finally had a heart to be honest. hehehe..
After all, me being ill, has taught me so many things, taught me to be modest and everything..

Hi All..
It’s been a while since my last post. Didn’t really have the time for this hehe.. Perhaps will not ever have the time if I don’t get ill and have to rest at home. I’ve got this fever since yesterday, along with big cough, headache and myalgia. I wish this is not a DHF. Think about it from the other side, perhaps I will not have my rest if I don’t get ill.
So today our topic was the historical day of my life. Why historical? I’ll tell you what. Two days ago, we had our 3rd teaching with Prof ED. I thought it’s going to be like the other first 2 teachings, watching Prof ED doing the right things and try to put everything into our memories. But SURPRISE! no! He asked 3 volunteers of us to work with the patient.
So I was the one who checked whether the breathing system is OK or not, whether it has any leak or not and hold the mask with my hand! That’s right! I’m Dhania, the one who’s always doing leaks when doing the mask things and now I have to perform in front of one of the most legendary profiles in my life! Not to mention how trembling I was when I was trying to wear my own mask! So, as you can predict, most of the time I held the mask incorrectly, leaks here and there. I tried and tried to fix the way I held the mask, but I still had some difficulties. I tried to fix the valve, but it was useless. I was panicking like hell, because everybody’s looking at me! Dr. Yasin, my senior, told me to calm down. Prof ED told me to put some oropharyngeal airway to help me ventilate the patient better. But the patient refused. When Dr. Yasin told me to change the mask, everything becomes much better. But I’m not sure how much Halothane I inhaled that day, keeping in mind how slack I was at holding the mask..
When it’s time to insert the LMA, I stepped back and turned the Halothane off (as I was told by Prof ED) and Dr. Yasin did the insertion.
Above the trembling hands, the unsuccessful mask holding, I feel so lucky to have Prof ED teaches us so willingly. God, may You bless him and his family and may
You bless us with more and more willingness to learn..

–simply that historical day–

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Now, it’s my second day. After quite a shocking first day (we were said to be buta huruf on our first day), today, we were said to be buta warna. What’s next? Let the time show you.

There were six patients operated last night. And the report was quite different from yesterday’s. Today my seniors, Mb Ratri and Mas Rofiq showed us so many pictures that could give us a broader and clearer picture of what happened last night. And since we learned a lot today, from that day on, reports are to be made with power point with pictures!

Now, what really crossed my mind at that time was, if they are going to be very busy giving the patients treatment, who, on earth, will be able to take pictures? Later on, we found out. It was us.

After the morning report we were taught about the things we’re going to face in this school and stuffs. We had a 2-hours lectures at that time.

At the end of the day, it was around 4pm when we had another lecture. Anestesia, apa itu dan bagaimana pelaksanaannya was our title that afternoon. The first slide said : Surgery is the oldest profession. WHY? When God made Eve, God took Adam’s rib, then God must be a surgeon! But then, the second slide said: Before taking Adam’s rib, God must have given him anaesthesia! Then, Anesthesia is said to be the beginning of mankind.. Interesting, eh?

The things is that, the lecturer told us not to be so anti to graphics, the commonest mistake a student ever make.

The lecture ended at about 6 that afternoon. And 5 of us went for a singing practice for next week’s Christmas celebration.

That’s all for today, Folks!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

1. The first workday in 2008
2. My very first day as an A & R resident
3. From the day on I don’t have to meet a troublesome person everyday anymore (You Know Who)
4. Most of all.. It’s simply a new life and I was quite nervous about it

So it was 06.30 when I sat in the MR room. I was nauseated from the very first minute I woke up that day. How can I not? It’s my very first day as a resident! I tried to calm down, tried to smile at my seniors who came a few minutes later. We waited for the consultant.

The consultant arrived. It was the headmaster. MR was started. One of my seniors started to report the patients he had the day before, when he was on night duty in the Resuscitation Room. He read us the patients he had groggily. I thought, it’s going to be my future.. Oh No..

All and all, 3 patients were discussed that morning. Of course, it was quite hard for the 13 of us (the newbies) to understand what really was the matters.

Luckily, there were some take home messages that morning:

1. If you’re about to report your duty, report every single patient you treat
2. Make sure you take pictures of the happenings during your duty (this will be explained in the next post)
3. Make sure you are aware of every single laboratory results
4. A Fool Never Learns–If your teacher told you that, that means you did not learn at all or very little
5. A stupid man can be made clever by learning, but a foolish man cannot, because they never learn
6. If someone is in front, giving presentation, make sure you listen and prepare questions
7. If you about to prescribe something to your patients, think twice or more, to make sure that what you are giving them, are only the things that  they need–make sure the patient doesn’t receive treatments more than the disease
8. Don’t do things just based on someone else’s order you to
9. Every case is unique and different, do not take them into routinity
10. Be very careful
11. Don’t just see something that is stated, try to see through

A lot eh? yes, for a first day! I still remember that afternoon we were asked about whether there is or there is not, a HES solution which is diluted into a Ringer Lactate fluid. We searched and searched  through the net, skimming through books and drugs indexes, asked our seniors, and the answer were all the same: there is no HES solution that is diluted in the RL fluid, all of them are diluted in the Normal Saline fluid. And yes, as you have guessed, we were wrong.

We only see what’s given to us and pass it on as an answer, without being careful and without thinking. It doesn’t take a specialist if we were only to pass answer without thinking. I learn, that day, that to be a specialist, we have to be different and think differently. It’s not the time anymore, to blame on something else if I don’t find the answer of my question. Perhaps I have to see through and not just search and pass it on..

That’s the end of my first day, Folks..

Oh, by the way, is there ANY HES that is diluted in RL? there is.. a brand is stated that their HES is diluted in NaCl, KCl and CaCl2, which, this 3 latter fluid, form RL. See? You have to see through.. and be wise.

21.06 di kantor MERSDU…

lagi iseng nih.. bareng2 ma Flo n Echa lagi ngerjain kuliah umum. hehehe.. lama2 biasa juga berangkat pagi dan pulang malam sekali. bulan2 ke depan mungkin lebih biasa lagi kali ya.. sampai kira2 5 tahun lagi? atau mungkin selamanya? ah ga usah berandai-andai.. dijalani aja.. coz.. everyday is an achievement kalau sekarang ini rasanya.. buat zen sih, at least..

kadang kalau liat teman2 di sekitar.. kadang2 bingung juga.. banyak tipe orang.. orientasi terhadap hidupnya juga lain2 tentunya.. kadang ya bingung ngeliatin nya.. dan kadang juga bingung sama diri sendiri.. apa yang dicari ya sebenernya dalam hidup?

mau jadi kuaya?

mau jadi puinter?

mau jadi orang paling berkuasa?

ketika kita kembali padaNya.. itu semua rasanya kok ga dibawa ke sana ya.. dan rasanya bukan berapa duit or seberapa kuasa yang kamu punya selama hidup..

ga tau juga ya.. bener2 lagi nganggur, nunggu print2an sertifikat acara besok.. jadi malah bisa refleksi diri..

tapi apa pun itu.. dengan semua ups and downs yang sudah zen alami, rasanya senang sekali jadi zen yang hari ini. zen tau zen uda sering bilang begini.. tapi memang begini enaknya rasanya kalau baru melewati pengalaman yang ga enak banget, yang bikin kesel dan bikin susah.. tapi kalau uda bisa ngelewati dan uda bisa ngambil pelajaran yang berharga, ga tau kenapa selalu timbul perasaan ini..

meskipun banyak kerjaan belakangan, banyak repot dan segala macam, sering capek dan kadang jadi flu juga, tapi dont know why, I just feel that the world is smiling to me.. hehehe..

Just last week I came back from Mt. Kelud. Interacting with those people who are forced to go away from their house for their own safety.. Suddenly they have to live with other families who they didn’t know before, they have to share everything with everyone they barely knew.

Though so, they still can laugh.. They still can be optimistic.. They are still looking forward very positively on their future.. I talked to several children and still they laugh.. I thought, even them, who have to survive with everything’s there, who’s ready to lose everything in their lives, their houses, their belongings, even their husbands and fathers (men were still coming back to their fields during days, everyday, despite any status of Mt. Kelud itself). their everythings.. and they were still smiling broadly to me..

and then I reflected to myself.. So far I’ve been upset for reasons that can’t be compared with theirs..  Sometimes I got upset when I do not get my rights.. Sometimes I got upset if somebody trespasses me.. It’s such a very simple reasons that I shouldn’t waste my time and energy for.. I thought and thought.. I’ll learn to ALWAYS give thanks to God for everything He has given me..

And I mean, EVERYTHING.. Some of you perhaps know what happened to my life during the last 4 months. So ups and downs, so being played, so being upset and confused.. But I think again.. that’s LIFE! If I don’t want any problems in my life, I would perhaps want to stay in a cemetery, where every problems had  been solved..

I just want to close my old book and locked it up in my deepest past. I don’t deny it’s a bitter experience, but I’d like to express it in a more constructive way: I had had an experience that will make me more careful and stronger.. I learn not to cry over my fate but learn to get up on my own feet and move on with my life as soon as possible, instead, despite anything happened.. Because my life, is such a blessed, and I’m willing to make it a bless to everyone as well..

Thanks God, for everything you’ve given me, that has made me, who I am, TODAY and TOMORROW..

Ahh..! Akhirnya punya kesempatan buat nulis lagi! Sampai ada temen lama yang nanya, ke mana blognya ? (banyak sih yang nanya ini) Dan baru berapa hari lalu ada temen lama yang nanya, kenapa sih ga pernah nulis lagi? Sibuk kah? Jawabnya, bisa ya, bisa ga.. heheh.. Ga sih, jawabnya, lagi ga pengen aja! Now I’m back! Mudah2an lebih appropriate lah nulisnya kali ini.

Baru2 ini diskusi sama temen. Kenapa ya pelajaran statistik diberikan pada kita? Sulit buat kita untuk mengerti, akhir2nya juga kalau lagi riset, kita ya cuman sekedar ‘user’ aja. Woops! Stop! zen ga lagi mau bahas tentang statistik.. Tapi bagaimana statistik sudah mempengaruhi hidup zen! ASTAGA! *pletaaaaaw* dijitak ntar zen sama temen2 MKDU kalau sampai nulis judul itu.

Gini sih, sebenernya. Tulisan ini terilhami dari pelajaran statistik yang sulit dan mbulet, ditambah dengan pelajaran hidup yang unik. Sangking mbulet nya pelajaran statistik itu, buat zen, yang sampai sekarang masih bisa nyantol di kepala zen itu adalah, orang atau sesuatu, akan dianggap normal jika dia berada di DALAM kurva distribusi normal, yaitu dengan batasan antara - 2 SD (Standar Deviasi) sampai dengan + 2 SD. Yang di luar itu, yah, kita menyebutnya ‘di luar distribusi normal’.

Nah, kemudian, apa hubungan nya dengan hidup? Manusia hidup itu.. Selalu berdampingan dengan orang lain.. Karena pada dasarnya manusia itu adalah makhluk sosial. *pletaaaaaaaaawwwww* *ADUDUDUDUH* dijitak sama temen2.. apa sih zen? ga penting banget, abis ngomong Statistika, sekarang ngomong Sosiologi. Ya abis gimana? Nah, ini adalah salah satu bukti bahwa kita hidup selalu berdampingan sama orang lain. Apa2 yang kita lakukan dan katakan, semua nya diukur baik ga nya, ya parameter nya orang lain. Dan tentunya, tidak semua pendapat orang lain itu harus kita dengarkan. Yang ga konstruktif, ga usah dengerin.. Yang konstruktif (walaupun sakit) sebaiknya didengarkan dan dicoba dilakukan. Jadi kembali lagi, dengerin pendapat orang juga jangan didengerin pendapat yang di luar kurva distribusi normal. Artinya, pendapat yang < -2SD (pendapat negatif dan ga konstrutif) ga usah didengerin.. Pendapat yang >+2SD boleh2 aja didengerin tanpa membuat kita kecil hati, jadi pemacu, boleh2 amat.. Nanti kalau kurva distribusi normal kita uda bergeser ke kanan (baca: jadi orang dengan pemikiran lebih maju lagi, Red.), maka pendapat itu akan masuk dalam kurva distribusi normal kita yang baru and so on.

Filosofis banget ya? ahahahah.. I just believe that if we try to live this life as ‘normal’ as we can (read: between 2 SD) then, at least we’re going to be a ‘happy’ survivor, although ‘happy’ itself is a spectrum between 2 SD (perhaps ranging from ‘less less less happy survivor’ to ‘very very very happy survivor’). If I try to be the best, a leader, the smartest, the richest or any positive extremes, then perhaps I want to try to live my life above +2SD-ly and vice versa.

Above all, life is a matter or choosing and deciding what you want to do. You can choose to be happy with any shortage in your life because you’re grateful to God for the free air you can breathe and a chance to do your best in the life He has given to you, or you can choose to be less happy with any excess in your life because deep inside you never feel enough.. Or you can simply choose to give thanks to Him and try not to be an extremist.. ‘just’ trying to be a ‘between 2 SD’ person (which is quite difficult enough) and feel happy about it because you know deep inside you have done your best in your life. And when you have done your best in your life, no matter what the result it, <-2SD, between 2SD or >+2SD, there’s nothing to regret and there’s nothing to be too proud of.. because EVERYTHING.. will come back to God..

Just, GIVE THANKS and be Happy with your life.

*just another between 2SD people, who’s always trying to shift her curve to the right*